Anger as Our Protective Champion
Like any good therapist, I’m a big fan of the movie Inside Out, and one of my very favorite moments in the film is at the very beginning when we first meet Anger.
As Joy introduces each of the emotions, she names the role they play in helping their girl Riley stay safe and healthy. And when she gets to Anger she says, “That’s Anger. He cares very deeply about things being fair.” It has always struck me as such a compelling portrayal of Anger, which is an emotion that is so often painted as volatile, destructive, and dangerous.
Many people, especially those socialized as women, people from marginalized backgrounds, or those who have experienced destructive anger first hand, find it difficult to access their own anger. It feels too unsafe to tap into or they’ve been told it’s off limits. The reality is, our anger can be an incredible ally in keeping us safe or telling us when we’re not being treated well, we just need to learn to listen to it.
What comes to mind when you think of anger?
It’s probably shouting matches, revenge, or maybe even physical violence. This is often the way we may have experienced anger, either that of others or perhaps our own.
And media certainly doesn’t do us any favors, often giving us the most explosive and dramatic portrayal of anger. But the reality is that anger has a very important role to play for each of us as our advocate and protector.
The problem is, most of us have never had a healthy relationship with anger modeled for us, and so we don’t know how to access and express our anger in a way that is helpful and constructive.
As a result we either ignore it entirely or let it bottle up until it becomes something explosive. But learning to befriend our anger, and even embracing it as an important part of ourselves is crucial work, especially for those of us who were told it wasn’t allowed.
How can Anger Be A Protector?
In Soraya Chemaly’s book Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger she posits that anger is “actually one of the most hopeful and forward thinking of all our emotions,” which is actually a completely rational response to threat or other unfair treatment.
This is true at both an individual level but also at a societal and systemic level. And while the book is primarily focused on the relationship women (and people socialized as women) have with anger, I think there are many important takeaways from the book for anyone who has ever been told anger wasn’t for them. One of the core questions the book often asks is, “why do they not want you to be angry? What do they have to gain by taking this from you?”
How to Tell if it’s Sadness or Anger
One of the most important observations the book makes that echoes what I often see with my clients is that what many people call sadness is actually masked anger, that they cannot call anger for whatever reason. Women and femme people are expected to be sad and eschew anger, while the opposite is the same for men and masculine people, who are expected to be stoic unless they are angry. Why is that? Chemaly gives us an interesting answer that I find resonates with many people.
Anger is an active, hopeful emotion. It is there to whisper, “something is not right. You are being treated poorly and you can do something about it.” It tells us there is a problem and we still have the power to change it. Sadness, on the other hand, is a much more passive emotion. When we are in the grips of despair, we are often willing to settle for less and may feel powerless to make change. Now think about the times you may have had your anger dismissed. What was happening within that dynamic and what might there have been to gain by silencing the voice within you that was trying to tell you something wasn’t right?
How to Listen to Your Emotions
Of course, this isn’t to say we can let anger run amok. Anger, when left unchecked, can be hurtful in its own way. And sadness is not without its own benefits as well – lest we forget the plot of Inside Out!
Sadness tends to help us be more generous, encourages deeper thinking about our issues, and helps us avoid the blame game, all things which anger traditionally struggles with. They can be wonderful partners in helping us navigate conflict fairly and equitably.
But we need to learn to hear and accept them both, and for most of us, that means recognizing our anger isn’t a scary monster to be locked away, but a friend and advocate to be listened to when it starts speaking.
Where to go from here…
Next time you find yourself noticing anger, take a step back and ask it, “what are you trying to tell me?” Don’t run from it, don’t let it take over, just listen to it. You might be surprised by what it answers. Just like all our emotions, it is here to help us. But it can only do that job if we let it.
