The Do’s and Don’ts of Being a Hinge Partner

Being non-monogamous comes with many unique challenges, but one of the most common ones I often see people newer to navigating maintaining multiple relationships struggle with is being a hinge partner.

What is a Hinge Partner?

A hinge partner is the person at the center of the two different relationships. So if Brandon is married to Peter and also dating Valerie that makes him the hinge. 

Hinge partners have the unique role of trying to balance two different relationships at once while making sure the needs of both their partners and their own needs are met. 

There are some common mistakes people make, and people who have been non-monogamous or polyamorous long enough generally pick up some best practices. So let’s talk about the do’s and don’t’s of being a hinge partner.

Do: Know what your own wants, needs, and boundaries are.

Don’t: Defer to your partners for decisions about how your relationships look.

This is probably the most common mistake I see with people new to non-monogamy, and it almost always comes out of a place of good intentions. 

The hinge wants so badly to keep their partners happy, so they are quick to say yes to everything. This can include scheduling, relationship agreements, levels of commitment and entanglement, or anything else. 

However, most people often find that eventually, their partners will have requests that are in direct conflict with one another. Suddenly you can’t say yes to everyone, and the precedents that have been set suddenly get turned on their head. 

This can often create bad blood between metamours, because the framing then becomes “I’m saying no because my other partner is asking me to” and there’s no precedent for the hinge saying no. 

And worst of all, it often leads to burnout on the hinge’s part, who can get so lost trying to keep everyone happy there is no time or space for their own needs or feelings, and they suddenly find they are trying to pour from an empty cup.

Try This:

Instead, a hinge partner should know who they are in their single state.

How much alone time do they need vs how much time are they willing to invest in a relationship? What are their own values around sexual health practices? How do they prefer to conduct their relationships? How much time and entanglement are they available for in their relationships? 

And from there, they can communicate these things to their partners so when asks are made, the hinge is making decisions aligned with their own values and not from a place of trying to keep everyone happy.

Do: Keep firm boundaries between each relationship.

Don’t: Overshare between partners.

Because our partners are often the people closest to us, it can be tempting to want to confide in them about the most intimate details of our lives. Maybe we just had a big fight with our partner and need a place to process it. Or maybe we just had a thrilling sexual encounter with a new squeeze and want to bask in that. But if we aren’t mindful about how and what we share between relationships, it can cause conflict not just within our relationship, but can also create animosity between our partners that doesn’t need to exist. Partners that only ever hear you complain about your other relationship are likely not going to develop a very rosy picture of it, which often makes it harder for them to view their metamour in a positive light. This can create conflict in polycules that enjoy kitchen table dynamics or find they often need to share space in social settings. A partner may also feel resentful if your time spent with them is monopolized by venting about their other partner rather than on enjoying one another’s company. Even the things we view as good or exciting, like new relationship milestones, sexy moments, or other things that spark excitement for us may need to be communicated in specific ways to honor the feelings and boundaries of our partners. And when it comes to talking about sexual encounters between partners, remember, consent from all parties involved is always important.

Try This:

Because of these things, it’s a good idea to make sure we have a support system outside of our partners. Having friends you can talk to if something isn’t going well in a relationship is critical, or having a therapist who can support you navigating challenging relationship dynamics may provide the extra support you need. You may also want to establish ahead of time how much each partner is comfortable with hearing. Maybe your partner can tell when something is going on and just wants to get brought up to speed, so a simple, “oh my other partner and I had a fight so I’m feeling a little tender about it. But I’m really excited to spend time with you” might be all they need. 

Do: Fulfill your obligation to each partner as you’ve agreed to them.

Don’t: Try to make everything exactly equal.

Hinges who are new to balancing two relationships often assume the best practice is to make sure each partner is being treated equally. Each partner should get two date nights and a sleep over each week, if I go on a trip with one partner I need to plan a trip with the other, and so on. The reality is this is not only often unsustainable, but also frequently not in line with what the individual partners may want or need. Different people have different needs and desires and rarely is a “one size fits all” approach going to work for everyone. And chasing the idea of treating each partner as perfect equals can often lead to the hinge overextending themselves in an attempt to keep everyone happy. And some relationships will naturally require a higher level of investment or attention from a hinge, such as one that involves cohabitation, raising children, or other shared obligations. 

Try This:

Instead, it’s important to be clear about what your obligations to each partner are and how you are able to fulfil them. When dating new partners, this means being clear about what you’re available for so they understand the space your relationship will be able to occupy. This way someone looking for a partner to cohabitate and have kids isn’t hanging their hat on you if all you’re able to provide is an occasional date night a few times a month. And it’s good to check in with new partners about what they want – not everyone is looking for a serious relationship and so you trying to treat them like your long term nested partner might not be what they want in the first place!

Being a hinge partner is an important skill that can take time to develop. It’s okay to make mistakes, but knowing the common pitfalls people tend to fall into and having an understanding of your role as the hinge can help ensure harmony in your relationships.