How to Be a Safe Parent for Your LGBTQ+ Teen
If you came across this blog, you may have a suspicion (or you already have confirmation) that your teen identifies somewhere along the LGBTQ+ spectrum. Regardless of where you fall in that, I want to affirm you for taking steps to get curious and figure out how you can show upfor your child in a way that respects who they are and the journey they’re on.
Since every teen is unique and there’s no true one size fits all approach to what any youth needs, I encourage you to use the information below as a guide that you can tailor to your individual relationship with your child.
So where do we start?
By centering them.
Centering & Supporting Your LGBTQ+ Teen
Whether your teen was up front and “came out” to you, or you want to show your support but don’t know how to broach the subject with them, it’s important to remember that your teen is probably confused, overwhelmed, uncertain, and feeling some level of isolation around the information they’re learning about themselves.
One of the biggest sources of tension that I see come between LGBTQ+ teens and the adults in their life, is when the adult makes their teen’s coming out about their own fears and anxieties.
And to be clear there’s no shame there; as a caring parent, it’s a completely natural instinct to have – you love your child and you worry about what this means for them, their future, whether they will find love or community or be okay in the world around them… you are not alone or abnormal if that’s where your mind goes.
One of the most reassuring things you can do for your teen is to put those fears aside so that you can be a grounded presence for them in the way that they need.
Your teen has already likely thought through the thousands of ways they might be disappointing you and the people who love them by living their truth.Right now, they need a parental presence who can assure them that they are loved no matter what.
So what might this look like?
5 Ways You Can Support Your LGBTQ+ Teen
1.Let them lead.
Coming out is an active process. It's commonplace for queer people to come out more than once with multiple identities. For example, someone might come out as bisexual and then realize later another label fits better.
Coming out is also an active process as an LGBTQ+ person must “come out” every time they share their identity with someone new. Whether it’s regarding gender identity and pronouns, or sexual orientation and choice in romantic partners, your teen will know which terms feel best for them.
Let them take the lead on which labels feel helpful and use the ones they ask you to. If your teen has already come out to you, it could be supportive for you to have a conversation with them to clarify who they are comfortable with you sharing that information with, if anyone.
They may want your help in telling family, or they may want to keep it between just you and them; it’s essential that you give them agency in getting to decide how and when they come out to those around them.
2.Give them space to come to you.
You may want to rush to show your support for your child, and depending on where they are at in their journey, that could feel overwhelming or like unnecessary pressure. You know you just want what’s best for them, but it’s natural developmentally for teens to not want to share everything with their parents; gender identity and sexual orientation are no exception.
This doesn’t mean you have to avoid the topic with your teen all together. You can make it clear where you stand by showing your own allyship or affinity with the LGBTQ+ community. There are also more subtle ways for you to show them support like normalizing LGBTQ+ language and culture in everyday situations.
Demonstrate where you stand and trust that your teen will come to you when they are ready to share with you what’s been on their mind.
3.Do your research on your own!
This may be the first time you’re hearing about gender identity and the importance of pronouns, or maybe you’re not sure what all of the letters of LGBTQIA+ actually stand for. One of the best ways to show support for your teen is to make sure you’re educated on LGBTQ+ terminology.
The Human Rights Campaign has a Glossary of Terms which is a good starting point if you’re just getting familiar. PFLAG is also a fantastic resource for parents of LGBTQ+ family members, and they have a more comprehensive list when you’re ready to dive deeper.
4.Know their resources, especially at their school.
Most high schools, especially in California, have a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA). If your child is at an independent school, they may have an LGBTQ+ affinity group or dedicated LGBTQ+ affirming faculty member(s).
Ensuring your child is enrolled at a school that has supportive policies for LGBTQ+ youth and making sure you know of teachers who are allied or identify with the LGBTQ+ community themselves are great ways to make sure your teen has people to turn to when you’re not around.
You can also have a conversation with your teen to find out who at their school they trust and are out to so you can respect their privacy in coming out to their teachers, administration, and their peers.
If your teen would be interested in joining an LGBTQ+ teen therapy group, let us know. If we have enough interest, we’ll put one together or connect you to one that already exists in your area.
5.Be their biggest ally.
You will come across at least one person who thinks it’s a problem that your teen identifies as LGBTQ+, and they won’t be afraid to tell you that. It’s more than likely your teen is either watching this interaction or will hear about how you showed up in that moment later.
The quickest way for your teen to know you genuinely have their back is to see how you defend them around those who question them. Make it clear to friends and family that what matters most to you is whether your child feels seen, loved, and happy. Demonstrate you are willing to set boundaries to protect your child and won’t tolerate behavior or words that contradict that.
How Self-Care Helps You Show Up As a Safe Place & Parent
Now that you have a better idea of how to center your teen in all this, you may still have so many questions and anxieties—perhaps even more now that you’ve done some research. I want you to know you are not alone in this.
To show up as a safe place for your teen, regardless of whether they identify as LGBTQ+ or not, you must make sure your own needs are being met.
How do you center yourself without making your teen’s coming out journey about you?
1.Know your role & practice self-care.
Think about the kind of parent you would have wanted to show up for you in the big moments of your life. Being self-aware of how you would have wanted to be supported in a situation like this can give clarity on how and where you may accidentally be projecting your own anxieties onto the experience of your child. It is important that you practice active self-care and have your own space to process any fears you have around your teen’s identity journey. Perhaps this means joining individual therapy or a support group for parents of LGBTQ+ teens, or perhaps it includes doing some inner child work of your own. Dedicate time to make sure you have the tools and you support you need so that you can show up as the parent your child needs as they navigate this.
2.Give yourself grace.
You will mess up. We all do. And that’s okay. Giving yourself grace is a great way to center your teen, while making sure you’re giving yourself some extra love. Let’s say your teen comes out to you as non-binary and shares they would like to use “they/them” pronouns. But it takes time to learn a new pattern and correct a habit you’ve had for years. So you misgender your child and use the wrong pronouns in a conversation with them or someone else. What matters is what you do next. Catch it, apologize, correct it, and move on. The more you make a big deal about it and beat yourself up, the more you are centering your own experience instead of your child’s. This can leave them feeling like they have to do extra work to protect your feelings and “parent” you. A simple apology and quick correction communicates that you care, know you messed up, and are conscious in working to affirm their identity. Like with anything, it’s so easy to be our own worst critic. Use this as an opportunity to be kinder to yourself and model self-love for your kids.
3.Know your resources & lean into community.
As mentioned earlier, organizations like PFLAG or The Trevor Project have amazing resources for parents and family members of LGBTQ+ individuals. The Los Angeles LGBT Center also has wonderful health and wellness resources and community support resources for LGBTQ+ teens and their families. If you want recommendations for additional resources, have questions, or would like help finding a community in your area that will be supportive of you and your LGBTQ+ teen, please reach out.
LGBTQ+ Therapy for Teens & Families in Burbank, California
If you’re looking for support as you and your teen navigate this journey, reach out to get matched with one of our therapists. Olivia is especially strong in working with LGBTQ+ teens and has availability for in person work at our Burbank office on Sundays!
